If you think you may have identified a child killer, paedophile or liberal do-gooder living in your area, your first course of action should be to notify your local vigilante group who will arrange a mob to deal with the perceived threat.

If there are no vigilante groups near you, you will need to organise your own independent mob. It's easy to do and you'll make lots of new, hysterical friends.

What you will need:

• People
  Obviously the first thing any successful mob needs is participants. If a child has been murdered in your area and found buried in a shallow grave, you shouldn't have too much trouble finding people with plenty unfocussed pent-up anger. In the case of suspected paedophiles or liberals, you may need to raise awareness by daubing threats on their walls or setting fire to their neighbours' cars.

• Placards
  Once you've gathered a sizeable mob, you'll need to equip them with placards or banners. Placards - which are easily fashioned by fixing a large piece of card to a stick - should contain snappy slogans which are easy to chant. Good slogans include: 'die scum!', 'peedos out!', 'hang child killers!' and 'kiddie fiddler shitbag!'. Bad slogans include: 'You're the product of a complex series of social and psychological factors!' and 'I haven't really thought this through!'.

• Missiles
  During a mob gathering, anything which can be thrown should be thrown. Eggs, bricks, rocks and bottles make excellent missiles but use your imagination - it's your mob!

• Fire Starting
  Studies have shown that a paedophile is 90% less likely to return to his home if it has been razed to the ground so don't forget that paraffin! However, if you are planning to include an element of arson in your mob event, be sure to keep matches away from children.

• Police Lines
  When protesting outside courts or police stations, you are likely to encounter a line of police officers trying to keep you away from the accused. Remember, they are there as much for your benefit as for the evil child murdering scum. There is nothing worse than breaking through a cordon only to realise that there is nothing you can actually do to stop a speeding police van. If in doubt: throw bricks.

• And Finally
  Remember, when organised responsibly, mob violence can be very rewarding and great fun but please choose your targets carefully. For example: there is no evidence to suggest that paediatric nurses pose any threat to children.